Here I am again young world, ready to burden your ears with my nonsensical ramblings...well let's get to it then. Inspirations comes in many fashions and not all are fit to size. Clarity inspired by minor and/or major discomfort is often missed as some people choose to identify with the hurt and negativity as opposed to the silver lining. I made a committment to myself a while back to intend to remain positive in any and every situation. Getting all bugged out solves absolutely nothing. Keeping a level head however, shows you plenty of possible outcomes. I'm sure you already knew there was a story to be intertwined into all of this.
Now lend me your attention further...I'm not one for getting too explicitly personal via the web so I will be keeping it brief with no personal indentification of characters. a couple of years ago I was smitten by a miraculous man in my opinion. We started to get acquainted and recognized quite a few things that we adored about one another. We had our visions of the ideal relationship that would appear to most as unconventional and a bit whimsical, but that was cool, cause we live outside the norm anyhow. Well, over time major and minor circumstances occured and revealed the lack of foundation in our newly formed companionship. We both acknowledged the grievances to a degree and decided to act accordingly. At the same time, I being some sort of a typical woman, shared some details of the situation with one of my dearest. As the situation evolved and new discoveries were made, dearest decided to express her personal concerns to my Mr. Upon receiving the alert to the recent events, I already knew that the situation would neither get better nor dissolve so I had to put my game face on. Reflecting on the behaviors of both of the participants I was certain that every move I made would be critical in derailing a troublesome train.
Consequently, the Mr. and I conversed and all inquires were answered and thus laid to rest. However, I had this nagging feeling that I was being punished for another persons deeds. This thought needed to be immediately dispelled, for once negativity is released it tends to run rampant. No matter how my dearest felt or how I may have felt about Mr.'s collective words and actions, his words and actions are not mine to focus on. My time was best served deciphering how my own words and behaviors affected the bottom line of a near bankrupt acquaintanceship. I value him highly as a person still...we are all works in progress and are not free from making misstakes ourselves. In my reflection I uncovered quite a few instances where I should have played my role a bit differently. My only beneficial option from this moment forward is to remember how my previous deeds did not serve me well, and attempt to not repeat them.
Unfortunately, there are so many people dying over lost love because they left such dismantled foundations that repair seems damn near impossible. I'm sure that a good deal of these situations were salvageable in hindsight. Once we've given ourselves enough time to reflect on all of the vehemently spat curses and destructive deeds committed, we see clearly that the level of anger toward the situation was unwarranted. Most people's clarity comes a little too late which leaves them feeling a bit hopeless. Meanwhile, I knew from the moment Mr. and I connected that we were in each others lives to teach the other something. I collected quite a bit of knowledge from this man's beautiful mind and for this I am sincerely grateful. It has been my intention, through this relationship, to change the way I decide to deal with matters of the heart. So instead of holding a grudge for feeling betrayed, I chose to forgive him immediately and realize that whatever reason he had for not being true to our relationship is his reason, not mine.
Fast forward a year, and I find myself in a similar situation, except this time, the shoe is on the other foot. Here I am faced with the fact that another being feels as though I am the cause of all her pain and suffereing. I will be the first to admit that I may not have gone about the dissolution of our relationship the right way. Instead of being totally and completely forthcoming about how I was feeling, I chose to make my exit stage left with minimal explanation. I didn't feel like she needed more of an explanation than I had already provided, and this was very selfish of me. Needless to say, that didn't go so well. Once the shit really hit the fan I was called to the carpet and had to take responsibility for my actions in which I did. However, this was not good enough for Mrs.; instead of her accepting my apology and making amends, she chose to dwell in the foolishness of our past behavior. For a slight moment, I actually fed into the propaganda and began to feel terrible about how I had caused her so much pain. In the midst of feeling melancholy over being a "terrible friend" I had a revelation, a person can only do to you what you allow them to do. With that being said, I understood that what she claimed I did, was only what she allowed me to do, and she must take responsibility for that. This is when I had to blatantly explain to her why I was not willing to continue to allow her to make me the cause of her dismay. I apologized for my behavior and asked for her forgiveness and that my darlings, is all I could ever do to remedy the turmoil between us. Now I can say, as time has passed, that we'vre resolved our differences and everything is everything. Although we are not able to have a close relationship like we once had, we can definitely go on knowing that we have put the past behind us. In my evolution as a human becoming, I can also express the fact that I am happy and appreciative of the lessons I've learned through both of these relationships. I needed to see these different sides of myself in order to understand that I can be both the victim and the perpetrator if I so choose; and being in either one of these positions is extremely uncomfortable at best. So my advice to all is to simply live in gratitude and forgiveness cause absolutely EVERYTHING happens for a reason...
Forever,
Shu Larrieux
